The Corona and Me

Can we just chat for a minute? Heart-to-heart?

I’ve struggled with anxiety for a looooooong time.

It was there in high school when I would stress about school late into the night and end up crying in my mom’s arms for a few minutes until I pulled myself together and finished my homework.

It was there in college: school- and grade-related, relationship-related, and life-choice-related. I struggled with belonging in a school that was a different religion than me. Making new friends wasn’t stressful, but losing my closest ones crushed me. I didn’t know what I’d major in, what I wanted to do. What if I ended up living in my parents basement drinking soda, reading, and never living up to my potential? What if I could never achieve enough to be proud of myself?

It was there in all the uncertainty of my first two years of real adulthood. Finding jobs, moving, changing jobs, financial strain, relational strain, everything. It was always there. During the happy times, it lurked around the corner, a dark shadow in the corner of my vision, waiting for a quiet moment in my head to shove dark thoughts in my field of vision. We are so blessed… but that means it could be taken away even more quickly. Last time something good happened, something bad followed… it’ll happen again. It always does.

Now, more than ever, I am struggling with my anxiety.

I am a planner. (See various posts about planning, planners, scheduling, etc.) I control my anxiety by always being prepared for any possible scenario and having structure to my days/weeks/months. I plan things to look forward to when I know I’ll need a break. I schedule hard working chunks of time to quickly do things that negatively impact my mental health (paying bills, talking about hard things, worrying {yes, I sometimes schedule time to worry}). I plan for hard things and during hard times so that my brain has something to dwell on when times are tough. Then, when the bad things happen, I can fall back on my logical plan that I thought through before emotions hit. When I struggled with money, I took comfort in making a budget, selling various items, planning for what I would do when I finally had some money. When I worried, I could remember that I have a plan, and each baby step pushed me closer to the end of the rough time.

Corona has destroyed me. I wasn’t ready. I had no plan. I truly didn’t think about what might happen with this virus. I don’t think anyone did. I don’t normally keep up with current events (judge me, please), so about two weeks ago, when the U.S. got their first case and it started popping up on various social media feeds, I heard about it for the first time. Tennessee wasn’t even one of the first states to get a case. Now we’re up to 615 in a matter of a couple weeks. Knox County alone had one case on March 13th, now we have 12 confirmed.

I have a science background, I understand quite a bit about viruses and how to prevent them. I support shelter-in-place and think everyone who can stay home for the next month or so should do so. Logic says washing your hands, staying home from anything unnecessary, staying away from people, and disinfecting everything will keep David and me safe. Logic says. Logical Brittany says.

Then there’s the anxiety. I’m still going in to work as of today. David stocks overnight at Walmart, so he’ll be going in unless he gets sick or decides to voluntarily stop work without pay. We are both bringing home a whole viral world every day. I am vigilant, but I’m not perfect. Neither is he. What if we touch our eyes at work? What if we come home and pass the virus onto something in our home? I can’t feasibly wash our clothes as soon as we walk in. We can only sanitize and wash our hands so much. What if I give David the virus and he gets really sick? Because of the state of hospitals, he’d have to go through that alone.

I’m not scared of getting sick and possibly dying. I’m not scared of David getting sick and dying. I’m scared of the uncertainty of if I will get sick. If David will get sick. If one or both of us will lose our jobs. If our finances will be impacted.

I’m sad for the life I took for granted two weeks ago. I hugged my friends, ate lunch at a restaurant, held a hand, put my arm around someone, sat in ladies class at church, went on a walk with a colleague…all for the last time for the foreseeable future.

I’m sad for the life I was planning that is now on hold. I had made the decision to finally fork out the money to run an actual 5K race for my birthday. Now it’s definitely going to be postponed, if not cancelled altogether. I signed up for a boat race with my company for early summer—probably postponed, maybe cancelled. My mom and I were talking about a trip to Maine this summer, but I don’t know if it will be safe to do so by then. I don’t know, and that’s what is killing me.

And I know I’m not the only one. I posted in my fitness Facebook group, Women Lifting Women, to see how everyone was holding up mentally, and there are so many brave women out there who are nurses, custodians, technicians, kitchens, and banks, some of which are pregnant or immunocompromised, that continue to show up for work every day to help others. These women are anxious. They are worried about their health and that of their families, but they keep going.

Because we will get through it. Together. Six feet apart, but together.

There are so many people in this world that I love. So many people that I wish I could hug right now and say “it’s going to be okay.” I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss “normal” life. I don’t know how long our lives will be on hold for this pandemic, but I do know that it is, for the whole of the country, the best thing we can do. The more inconvenienced we are now, the more of us there will be on the tail end of this.

If, like me, you are struggling, please talk to someone. I know some states (New York for sure) are making mental health resources more readily available and more affordable for people struggling to cope during this time. Reach out to one. Talk to someone. Find a creative outlet. This is mine. If I can get my feelings to words, I am better able to manage them. Maybe you can draw or paint or play music. Do it. Do whatever you can to express how you are feeling. We are all scared. We are all uncertain. We have to be able to feel these things…but we also have to be able to move through them. Yes, it hurts. Yes, the same feelings will probably come at you for another punch in an hour or a day. But we still have to move through them.

If I were in a better mental state, I would invite you all to reach out to me, but honestly, I don’t think I could handle that right now. But please find someone you can talk to. Let this person know that you aren’t looking for them to fix your worries, just to hear you express yourself. The first step to moving through feelings is to identify them.

Take care of yourselves and others ❤ I love you all,



Coronavirus Anxiety Helpful Tips

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Mental Health America: Covid19

What 2019 Taught Me

Live in a State of Thankfulness

Many, many times this year I was  forced to recognize just how much I really am blessed with. When we first moved, I realized that our small town life was pretty great. We were settled there. We had friends, a great church, a good job, a wonderful home, and just everything was generally great except for the stress of my job and the struggle of a city girl living in a small town. We had a nice life over there, but I don’t think I really thought about what we would be giving up until we moved. We were ready to live on our own, we needed somewhere David could find a job, I wanted a bigger city. We got all of those things, but we lost so much. we didn’t lose our friends, but we did lose being able to see them frequently. We lived right down the road from two of our best friends and in the same house as another. Everyone we cared about in that town was within a five or ten minute drive. I didn’t realize at the time how much I needed my friends. I thrived on talking to them regularly. I loved coming home and venting with Michelle about our awful jobs and how stressed we were. I miss nights where we were all home for dinner and we cooked and watched a movie together. 

I wish there was a way to know you’re in “the good ole days”, before you’ve actually left them.

Andy Bernard

Once we moved, we hit all kinds of rough patches from huge medical bills to a bad job to having to pay bills on a credit card to not having any friends. With all the new struggles we were facing, not only did I have 20/20 hindsight into how nice we had it in the small town, but I also was forced to look at what we did have. We made do with just the food in our pantry for several weeks (old chips, oatmeal, pasta, etc.). We have bought very few new items, and only a few from thrift stores. We still only have one car even though we dreamed of getting a second. 


We had food to eat. We had a car that ran. We had a place to live and air conditioning to keep us from melting inside it. We had family and friends who love and care for us with everything from spare change to prayers to checks. I kept a running list of things I was thankful for during this time.

If you are struggling in any way, keep a list of things you have, things and people you are thankful for. Put it on your bathroom mirror or in your car. It changes the way you think about your days when you come from a thankful standpoint.

Stick to the Plan

Before we moved, I had a plan. I had a well thought-out plan. A Brittany-perfectionist grade plan. And if I had just followed that plan, we would be in a completely different place than we are now.

I learned this year that I naturally have a logical, rational approach to everything in my life. This intuition has served me well in my almost 24 years of life. I plan everything I can. I prepare for any scenario especially the worst one, and if I just follow my plans, everything (for the most part) turns out okay. 

This one time I followed an impulse, everything fell apart. That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but in all honesty, we would have accomplished everything on our list of goals if I had stuck with my plan for a steady paycheck instead of jumping for the possibility of a higher compensation . However, now, since I neglected my plan, we are way behind where we would have been if I had stuck to my plan.

I am a smart person. I know what needs to be done, and there’s a reason my brain works like this. If I make a plan, I am unstoppable. Just stick to the plan Brittany.

Lean on Others

In college, I had a group of friends that I lived with in the dorm. We were inseparable… until they transferred to another school together. Without me. Introducing Jonathan, one of the counselors at my school. He was my best friend during that first semester sans my friends. I was struggling, and he could help. He showed me ways to channel my frustration and sadness, how to ground myself during a panic attack, and how to discuss my feelings with others. (Still working on that last one.) The main point: I was in need of support and guidance, and I sought it out through the free counseling program at my school.

Last year I struggled, but I didn’t ask for help. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and worked hard. Luckily, people noticed I was in need, and they reached out to me. Once a few people helped us out with money, groceries, etc. I realized that people want to help. Especially those in the church, friends and family. They want to see you succeed, and they want to help however they can. If you just ask, they get to help you and you get the help you need: a win/win.

Recently I’ve begun leaning on friends and family more and more. I’ve asked for advice, for a listening ear, a quick chat, funny memes to cheer me up, all kinds of things. And guess what? They were there for me every time. Life is hard, but we don’t have to do it alone. Whatever you’re going through, someone has done it before and can offer advice or just a knowing ear to hear you out. If you go to church, lean on the church. God’s people provide for each other. Lean on others, don’t shoulder everything alone.

2019 was a time of disappointment and struggle. It showed me that I am tougher and weaker than I believed. I have learned more about myself in 2019 and the first two months of 2020 than I did during my entire time in college.

And, as of March 21st, 2020, looking back on the end of 2019, those were the good ole days compared to now.

2019 Review





I’ll begin by saying that 2019 did not go as planned. Like at all. Back in January, I was steadily employed by my former college as an administrative assistant/caterer. The pay was pretty good for where we lived, the hours were steady most of the time (except for some catering early mornings and late nights), and we were doing okay. The job was heckin’ stressful, but I got to be stressed out and work through problems with my friends who I love. I also got to stay in contact with teachers from college, and everyone in the small town that I loved. It was a tiny town, and pretty much everyone I knew was invested in the college. I got to participate in stressful, yet exquisite catering events that kept me moving and learning knew things. Looking back now, I kind of miss that aspect of my old job—solving problems on my feet, in the moment, always moving and doing something different.I had evenings free to go see my other friends in theater performances, go out to eat, workout, ride my bike, watch a movie etc. In hindsight, other than the location of the town (nothing close to it) and the stress of my job, we were doing really well there. We were saving money, seeing our friends, and, except those two things, doing really well.

We knew we wanted to move when David graduated, but we were unsure where we wanted to look. Mount Juliet and Knoxville, TN were both candidates, and I think we chose Knoxville in March. By June, we had moved there. It was a couple weeks after David’s graduation, I had a nice job lined up where I would make about $2500/month, we had a place to live, and so on. Everything was set up perfectly with my plan. Until I threw out everything I had planned to grasp at the possibility of a higher paycheck. Nevermind that I’d be making double our expected expense amount, and we would have plenty to save and put away toward other things (2nd car, student loans that would start in November 2019, furniture, etc.). The possibility of making a bunch of money, two cars, and buying my mom a new house had too much sway in my judgement, and I made a rash decision to leave that whole plan behind to chase the bigger paycheck.
To read about that catastrophe, click here.

After that job, I humbled myself and crawled back to another company I had turned down for a job back in May, and I basically just said, “I will take any open position that you have.” And that’s the entire story of how I got my job as a receptionist at a mortgage company. Honestly, I don’t get paid very much, but this job has been a huge blessing in our life. I have a purpose every day to go to work and bring home a paycheck to pay for the bills we have stacked up. I have made new friends and love working for this company. I don’t necessarily love the job, but I love the company I work for and the people I work with. At the end of February, I will be able to apply for other jobs in the company, and I will hopefully find something more fulfilling to make money and pass the time until I can pursue my passions.

I felt like my entire life was on hold since my graduation in December 2017. I worked in the cafeteria waiting for David to graduate, then we hit hard and we’re having to be patient while we climb back up to our starting point. I feel like I can’t do anything I want to do because of money or our super weird schedules. I feel like I have no free time, I see my husband for maybe an hour a day, and I feel like all I have time to do is work, drive to work, and sleep. But that’s how it feels for a lot of people who work full time jobs. We never have time for anything. My hope is that soon I will move to a day shift job where I can have evenings free to be more involved in my church and maybe get a second job. Dreaming about the future and counting our blessings are what has kept us going.

This year has had ups and many, many downs, but I can honestly say that as 2020 begins, I am optimistic at what David and I can accomplish this year. We don’t have a ton of plans other than working as much as possible to pull ourselves out of this hole we’ve been in, but I hope that by next fall, we have some free time to actually enjoy life.

Week 38

You’re in a room with a group of people who all share the same opinion on a certain topic. Do you go with the flow or argue the counterpoint?

Honestly, I love playing devil’s advocate. Not in a hostile way, but if someone happened to be having an idea, I would argue the opposite to make sure they thought of all the things that could be against them. So, honestly, I think I would argue the opposite regardless of whether I have the same opinion or not.

Uber short response. XD


Lessons From the Dark

David and I are overwhelmed by everyone that has reached out to us after my last post. I would like to reiterate: we are doing okay now! People have asked how they can help. Honestly, we would just love some mail. A handwritten card brightens our day so much. We check the mail everyday, and usually it’s empty (unless it’s a bill, eww). So if you still are wanting to help us, spend 50 cents on a stamp, and write us a letter or draw us a picture ❤ Spread the sunshine.

I have learned so much about myself since we moved, and I wanted to share some of the lessons I have picked up in the past two months (henceforth known as “The Time”). If you are going through a dark time, this is for you. If you are going through a rough time, you can reach out to me as well—I will talk to you, I will pray for you. (I will not give you money, because we still have very little, but everything else, I can give.) Just know that you are not alone. Most people go through a time (or times) where they look for the next steps in life.

It’s okay to make mistakes. Sometimes we take the wrong path. It was well lit, marked with decently clear signs, and had happy, successful people waving you on. It was the right path for them. That doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Maybe “your” path is the one with hardly anyone. Maybe it’s a dark one. Maybe you are going to have to carve your own path through the brush. God’s got plans for all of us, and we don’t always know where we’re supposed to go. During The Time I prayed many prayers, meditated, and bargained with God. “Just give me a sign that this is right for me.”

Before I changed jobs, I made lists, I weighed options, and I thought that Aflac was the best choice I could make for myself and for my family. I was sure of it. But after a month, I realized that I had made a mistake. I should have stuck with the other job. What had seemed like the “safe” option, I had judged as boring. I thought I would get bored. You know what, I was right. Answering phones at Elavon would have been boring. But you know what? The opportunity to move up into a position that I actually love would have been worth it. I had lost sight of what was really important to me while chasing money. I made a mistake.

That’s okay though, because I took my experience, did some reflection, and learned about myself. Now I know more about me and where I can put myself career-wise to best use my strengths and passions (thanks, Ken Coleman). Now I know what I need to work on and what I need to do to get there.

Look forward to the future. So your current situation isn’t ideal—dwell on how great the future will be. We had no money, and we had to be very careful about using more gas than we needed to, about getting extra food, everything. It seemed like we couldn’t breathe. We kept our heads up by thinking and talking about how great it will be once we get on our feet. We have crazy rich dreams like buying more than one cereal at the grocery store. Maybe one day we could buy a dining room table and chairs! Maybe even a bookshelf to get all our books off of the floor. We tried to keep our heads positive by thinking about how great it will be as we keep going. As a plan-lover, I spent time planning what we will do with the money as we get it. What things we could get first—it kept me excited for what is to come.

…but also live in the now. While we looked forward to future happiness, we also tried to focus on the good things in the present. David liked to hit me with the “Tell me 3 good things that happened today.” I’d have to do it. Normally, once you start listing, you can just keep going. There were good things happening even in our darkest times. Sometimes it was as simple as “I went to this dentist office, and this lady named Nancy actually held a conversation with me” or even just “I saw some really cute doggies at the animal hospital.” Some days only one good thing stood out in my mind, but every single day, without fail, I could list at least ten good things. Most were small things, but all of them helped me be grateful for what I was going through and what I still had. I wasn’t making a paycheck, but I had a husband who loves me, a home, water to drink, [some] food to eat, and a bed to sleep in at night. We were okay, and I was very grateful for that.

Keep going. I thought of this a few times: what if I gave up? What would that look like? Would I quit my job and stop paying rent and utilities? Cancel everything and move back home? Give up on being an adult?


You can’t just turn life off. You can maybe pause for day and rest, but come that next sunrise, life is going to keep going. Regardless of whether or not I wanted to, I was going to keep going. I could choose to keep going where I was or I could get a new job and keep going with that—I had to keep moving forward. I kept seeing my friends who live close to here (and who so graciously let us use their laundry machines for free). I kept going to church. Kept reading, kept trying to better myself as a person. You gotta keep going—maybe change directions, but keep moving forward.

Pray. My church had a ladies day this past Saturday, and author Abby Rosser spoke to us about waiting. In her case, she was waiting to adopt her son Ezra, but the focus in her lesson and in one of her books was her relationship with God during all of this waiting. Man, could I relate to everything she learned from her waiting.

I wasn’t waiting on a child, but I had done some of the same things during The Time. I prayed for guidance at least once a day. I prayed for strength, clarity, and some kind of sign whether this was right for me or not. I prayed for God to take my worries and anxieties and for Him to take care of us. I just wanted Him to show me the right path… and He did.

He kept things in my heart and mind that were important to me. He gave me friends who reached out with advice. He gave me resources to guide my passions, and he guided me to where I am now. He is amazing.

So if you are struggling, please reach out to others. We can help you. We have all gone through hard things in our lives. We may not have been through all of the same things, but someone has been through what you are dealing with and can help you. You just have to ask, believe, and keep going.


Moving On: When You Learn Lessons You Didn’t Know You Needed

Wow! Brittany and David moved to Knoxville! I wonder how they’re doing. I haven’t heard from them since they moved.

Here’s a check in.

You haven’t heard from us because we have been STRUGGLING.

Before we moved at the beginning of June, I accepted a job at Elavon Merchant Services to answer phones for $15/hour full-time. Sweet gig.

I had already scheduled a second interview with Aflac for the following Monday, so I figured, “what the heck? might as well go even though I know I’m not going to take the job.” Man, in those interviews, it sounded so great. All the money you could ever want. A simple plan to follow in order to achieve your goals. I weighed the pros and cons, and eventually the potential for enough money to pay off student loans and help my mom fix up her house and donate to all of the charities I wanted won out. I chose to go with Aflac, so I emailed the HR person at Elavon the night before I was supposed to start to tell her I wouldn’t be working for them. (Rookie mistake, I know, but past Brittany had high hopes.)

A job as an Aflac sales agent probably would be great to someone who is already financially stable, knows people in the area, has health insurance through a spouse’s work, and has a super reliable car and plenty of money for gas.

I am none of those things. None. I held out that if I just kept following the plan we put together, eventually the money would come. I held out for a month. No money. Not even a penny. I spent almost $200 in gas money, had to borrow money to pay our month’s bills, and it was an all-around horrible situation for me.

On top of the financial struggles, I also fell into probably the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced. For people who knew me right before we moved, I was in a habit of going to the gym at least 6 days a week. I loved it. I felt so weird if I didn’t exercise. I exercised, ate healthy foods, and splurged on unhealthy things when my brain said we should. After I started this job, however, we didn’t have money for food. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the gym or run or anything. I worked and I prepared for the next day’s work. I followed the plan. I kept working even though everything in me wanted to give up. I wasn’t eating regularly. I couldn’t bring myself to eat breakfast anymore, even though I’ve always been a breakfast person. My stomach was constantly in knots. By the time lunch came around, I didn’t have food to bring with me to eat nor did we have the money for me to eat out like most of the other Aflac agents do. I would bring a Clif Bar in my bag, but most days I wouldn’t eat it—if I don’t eat it today, then that’s one less I have to buy to eat this week. I lost 10 pounds in less than a month. I felt horrible.

I was alone all day. In my car. Driving around wasting gas. Sure I technically talked to 15-20 business owners each day, but when most of these people have been taught to do everything they can to keep salespeople out, you are really alone. Sales just isn’t for everyone, and maybe I’m just soft-skinned and I gave up to quickly, but it did not make me happy.

One of the things I admired about the company, though, is how dedicated their agents were. These people believe so much in their company that they become “the Aflac guy” who just can’t stop telling people about all of the great things the company does and what it can do for them. They are always talking about it. Everyone in their circle knows that if they hear of anyone needing insurance, they can send them to that person.

That is not who I want to be. I want to believe in something that strongly, but I don’t necessarily want it to be my work. I don’t think I have enough stamina to be “the Aflac guy.” I prefer to draw the work/play line and leave work at work. In that job, however, work was everywhere. In my car, on my personal computer, my cell phone. Maybe that was why I burned out so quickly. Maybe that’s just not for me.

So here I am: unemployed, super poor, but honestly, happier. Last Friday as I was getting ready for my last Aflac meeting, I was dancing and singing as I got ready. I went to the gym that morning. I even put on makeup. It was exhilarating. Do I wish I had started looking for jobs two weeks ago? Yeah, kind of. Do I wish I had just stuck with the Elavon job in the first place? Yeah, kind of. BUT I think God had me go this route on purpose. I have shed so many tears and prayed so many prayers for me to see the way I’m supposed to go, and He has done that for me. We have found a great church with great people. We have the support of so many friends and loved ones. I have learned so much from this experience.

Now we begin the process of getting back on our feet. We’re going to be just fine. It’s gonna take time and lots of frugality, but hey, at least we will both have steady paychecks once I get a new job.

(Also we would really appreciate prayers <3)


A Coach, A Mentor

Coaches see you at your highest and lowest points. They see you at the end of a hard-fought win, but they also see you running your heart out the practice after a hard loss (my old teammates could probably tell you the exact practice I mean).

I played basketball from fifth grade until my senior year (minus junior year), and I had a grand total of two head coaches. From 7th grade through high school, the same coach helped me grow. He helped me play harder, smarter, and helped me realize that I am capable of more than I believed, and for that I am forever grateful.

I was never the best basketball player. I couldn’t dribble very well. I wasn’t very fast. I would only make a shot here and there. I wasn’t a super valuable player except for the fact that I was big, and I was strong. I couldn’t shoot or drive, but I could 100% hold off the other giant girls while someone else did those things. By my senior year, I could sprint up the court before the other players and our point guard could throw the ball to me for an easy layup before everyone else realized I was down the court. I could only do it once or twice a game, but it still felt great. I could set screens for the other girls, creating a wall to protect them from the defense for an open shot.

As a seventh grader, all I could tell you about my role on the court was that I was bigger than everyone else. That’s all I knew. I was big; I couldn’t run as fast as everyone else, and I belonged under the basket. Coach Wood took me on the team anyway. He worked with me on my shooting; he taught me ways to get around giant girls; he showed me how to use my size to my advantage. He spent hours and hours with the team, going over basics, running, learning plays, strength training, and learning to be better.

I finally made the starting lineup my senior year, and though I never became the star player, I felt valuable in my position. I was never the best shooter, the fastest runner, or the toughest one on the court. I just don’t think basketball was meant to be my sport. And that’s okay because I learned so much from my years learning with Coach Wood.

He pushed us. So hard. One more down-and-back. One more rep. He always wrote inspirational quotes on the board of the locker room, and they have stuck with me to this day. “There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’ except in the A-hole.” That was a big one. I still quote it. On a more serious note, one he used more often over the years was “Mind over Matter,” but he wrote it like a fraction. I can still see it in the corner of the board. He was the first person to introduce me to this quote, and to this day, when I work out, that runs through my mind.

Speaking of working out, Coach Wood, you are also the reason that I could walk into a gym in college and know exactly what I needed to do. I have taught several friends how to use gym equipment and not look like an idiot, and I definitely couldn’t have done that without all those hot summer workouts before practice.

Thank you, Coach Wood, for teaching me that I can be strong, valuable, and tough, and that I can do anything with practice and perseverance. I value every practice, every game, every workout I experienced under your leadership, and I wish you the very best wherever you end up next—they will be some really lucky players.

Week 37

If you have a problem, would you go to a family member, best friend, or a stranger?

I normally talk to my husband. He’s a sound, secure board upon which I can bounce ideas. He is reasonable, but always has my best interest at heart, even if it isn’t the answer I necessarily want.

Second is one of my two best pals who now live pretty far away since we’re all adults now. They’ve been my best friends forever, and I know I can talk to them about anything. Really, anything. They know me better than anyone, and they have each been through parts of life I haven’t hit yet (same with me). The three of us balance each other out, and we put our strengths where the others have weakness.

Third, I have a network of other close friends from church, school, family, etc. I think it really depends on the issue. I have friends/family that are better at different things. If I have a financial problem, I won’t go to my husband because he’s not great with money, and would just reply with, “whatever you think, babe.” I would go to my dad because he’s good with stuff like that. If David and I are fighting or having some other weird marital thing, I’ll probably go to one of my friends who have been married a couple years for advice.

I get along really well with people, and I think I give pretty decent advice most of the time (please correct me if I’m wrong), so the network of people I feel I can talk to is pretty vast 🙂

Week 36

True or False: “I am more likely to try something if others would be impressed.”

I am not self-motivated. At all. That’s why I haven’t written a book yet. That’s why I didn’t finish these “52 weeks” in 52 weeks. That’s why I have been trying since middle school to be skinny like my friends. That’s why I have no goals crossed off my list that aren’t school related.

I have such a hard time holding myself accountable, doing things for me. I somehow cannot motivate myself to achieve anything for me.

I finished school to make my parents proud. I scored top marks in high school to make my teachers proud.

I don’t think I have ever successfully done anything just for me. If you know me, you know I have tried to lose weight for pretty much my whole life. I can’t do it. I have tried to make the decisions to improve my physique for myself, but I can’t trust myself. Trying to be self-motivated leaves me accountable only to myself, and we all know that she isn’t great.

So, yes, I am more likely to try something if others will be, let’s not say “impressed,” but maybe “proud” instead. If others who are close to me will be proud, I am way more likely to succeed. I might try it for myself, but I always fail.

2019 Word of the Year

My alarm went off this morning, and I did not want to get out of bed. It was a long night. I went to bed early, my husband came to bed late. He wasn’t feeling great, so he barely slept which means I barely slept.

My alarm was set for 5:15 AM so I could get to the gym about 5:30 and be the only one in there to workout (really, the best way to workout in my opinion). I was tired; I was groggy; I did not want to move. But that empty weight room had a pull to it. There is nothing like being the only one in there—you can use any machine you want without having to wait for cocky baseball players or bratty cheerleaders to be done with them. It’s glorious. If I’m being honest, a majority of my mornings have been like this since January.

If you follow any bullet journal or planning blogs or YouTube channels, chances are you have seen people choose a specific word or phrase for the year. They then use this word or phrase as a base for their goals for the year. I have seen “mindful,” “peace,” “joy,” and many others, and, while I admired their creativity, I had never chose to do that myself. Until now.

This year I decided that my health is the most important item on my goal list. Since January 1st, I’ve been putting my health first. Sometimes it’s my physical health (i.e. spinach and lots of water), and other times it’s my mental health (i.e. a Frosty and a good book). I’m eating with nutrition in mind, reading more, writing more, and spending less time on social media and Netflix/Hulu.

At the beginning of the year, I read a book called Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. His eating plan is called the “nutritarian” diet, and this means that you eat foods with high nutrient density. For example, a serving of spinach has more nutrients than a serving of celery, and you eat more of the things that have high amounts of nutrients, and less of the things that don’t. I followed his program almost flawlessly for two separate weeks since Jan 1st, and the first week I dropped ten pounds, the second, another five.

While I haven’t completely committed to the nutritarian way of life, I do eat more healthful foods. Sometimes we still go to Wendy’s. It happens. I do, however, notice how sluggish and gross I feel after eating these things, and that is prompting me to always make healthier choices. It has helped me think more about what foods can do for me: how can they help my body do what it needs to do? I am more in tune with my body: with more water, my head is clearer; if I eat milk chocolate, my stomach gurgles; with less added sugar, natural sugar tastes much sweeter.

It’s a process, but I’m trying to be healthier so I will feel healthier, and then I will feel better. Eating better makes me happier: having good fuel in my body makes it work better, and that’s my goal for the year.